now i'm in my home-state again. visiting the family. a break. i'd been stressed out about coming, but i am glad i am here. the weather is beautiful and even if it wasn't, it would feel like it was. i've driven everywhere with the windows down and felt the rush and the humidity (compared to desert conditions at home) on my face, in my hair. perhaps i don't even need lotion here. i haven't showered yet today.
i'm not clear on the weirdness factor. is it weird for me to come "home" to the place that i grew up? this is the bedroom in which i spent my teenage years and yet it's not. nothing is the same; the bed is different and suddenly there are bookshelves and a computer desk and computer that are foreign. this is the "guest room" now; the only items that are MINE are those that i brought with me. so it's not really home and yet it is.
and, i learned to drive here. my first attempts behind the wheel occurred in this state, and my first careful navigating and attempts at directions and maneuvering of roads were on these roads, these highways, these boulevards. they're eerily familiar. because they're so familiar, i know them inside out, but i rarely rarely drive on them, and usually not in MY car. i say that knowing i drove on them for ten weeks in my car last fall... but every other visit, every other time in the last five years that i've driven on them, has been in a borrowed car. they're like borrowed streets now that i think about it. borrowed streets in a borrowed neighborhood that i traverse in a borrowed car, and i briefly borrow a life. this is not my life, not any more, this hectic pacing and frantic ratrace of silicon valley. this maybe used to be my life, but this is not my life now. except for a week here, a long weekend there, and ok, ten weeks last fall. borrowed life. not mine. *my* life is in that other state, with my dog and my baby, , and my friends...
so in a way it's nice to have a break, to borrow a life for a while. mine's really nice! i love it! and sometimes it's nice to have another, just for a while, just for a change. and then, and then, i start to miss my life, the life i understand and know. the life i love. so i will go back. in a week.
i'm not clear on the weirdness factor. is it weird for me to come "home" to the place that i grew up? this is the bedroom in which i spent my teenage years and yet it's not. nothing is the same; the bed is different and suddenly there are bookshelves and a computer desk and computer that are foreign. this is the "guest room" now; the only items that are MINE are those that i brought with me. so it's not really home and yet it is.
and, i learned to drive here. my first attempts behind the wheel occurred in this state, and my first careful navigating and attempts at directions and maneuvering of roads were on these roads, these highways, these boulevards. they're eerily familiar. because they're so familiar, i know them inside out, but i rarely rarely drive on them, and usually not in MY car. i say that knowing i drove on them for ten weeks in my car last fall... but every other visit, every other time in the last five years that i've driven on them, has been in a borrowed car. they're like borrowed streets now that i think about it. borrowed streets in a borrowed neighborhood that i traverse in a borrowed car, and i briefly borrow a life. this is not my life, not any more, this hectic pacing and frantic ratrace of silicon valley. this maybe used to be my life, but this is not my life now. except for a week here, a long weekend there, and ok, ten weeks last fall. borrowed life. not mine. *my* life is in that other state, with my dog and my baby, , and my friends...
so in a way it's nice to have a break, to borrow a life for a while. mine's really nice! i love it! and sometimes it's nice to have another, just for a while, just for a change. and then, and then, i start to miss my life, the life i understand and know. the life i love. so i will go back. in a week.
posted by .-.lilie.-. at
12:17 PM
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