brr

the past several days, i don't think that i ever completely got WARM ENOUGH. it's been very cold here, snowy, and i just keep being cold. no matter how much i wear or how high i turn up the heater in my car, i don't think i ever thaw something freezing deep inside me. i thought about that in the shower just a little while ago... no matter how warm the water was, i wasn't warm enough, even if my skin turned pink from the heat. and then when the shower runs out of hot water when i am not ready to be done... it only makes the inner chill less defrostable. =(

personal responsibility

i'm thinking a lot about personal responsibility today. i had a very long, hot shower which gave me a lot of time to think. =)
i've concluded:
* we are our own worst enemy (and best friend)
* if things don't go as you "want" them to, examine DEEPLY your intentions, secret yearnings, feelings behind your actions... i bet that you will find that deep down somewhere, what you "want" isn't really what you need or even desire
* only when you accept FULL responsibility for your actions, fate, life circumstances, etc., are you able to change them. sure, everyone has circumstances that affect where you are today, many of them having been formed in childhood through no fault of your own (you weren't old enough/mature enough to yet be fully aware of the responsibility you had or to control it fully; plus adults were often responsible instead of you) ... anyway. at whatever point you are in your adult life, you can realize that everything that has happened up until now has been your choice. everything that will happen from now on will be your choice as well. if you're involved with someone who is abusive towards you, why do you want that? think about it. what part of your psyche craves the abusiveness? there IS a part there, i guarantee it, whether it be as "simple" as needing something in your life to induce other people to feel sympathy for you, or as "complicated" as a feeling that you've done something wrong and need to be punished so you leave yourself in a bad situation because of this need for retribution upon yourself. FIGURE IT OUT, MY FRIEND. become aware. once you are aware, you can CHANGE. you can't change until then... let's say it's a need for sympathy... if you leave the current bad situation you will just put yourself in another one that causes you to deserve sympathy... UNLESS you figure this out and get rid of your need for sympathy! it's like treating a runny nose instead of treating the cold that causes the runny nose... LOOK DEEP. look DEEPER. there's something that you don't know about hiding inside you, causing you to make choices that seem puzzling to you. when you figure it out, you won't be puzzled any more.

you'll be free.

i didn't realize it was so late

it's nearly midnight.
but then i've been up late a lot recently. last night it was because of moving. there was a car-going-off-the-road incident, which complicated everything. that made dinner occur at about midnight, because i thought i'd "quickly move" and then eat afterwards. HA! in the snow, not likely, plus, the more people you get together, the longer it can take to figure out things. so two friends and i (S & Y) ate at denny's late last night... and we were pretty loopy because it was so late and we were tired, all three of us, by the time that we got our food. "moons over my hammy" was hilarious, as were all the things that we thought each other said, and i think there was something especially funny about french toast but i don't recall what it was now.
i just finished "dinner" a few minutes ago... i was out til 9 pm, and ate some doritos but that's no good for dinner. it took me a while to figure out that i didn't feel good, and then a while to figure out that it was probably because of "dorito dinner" so i made myself a "tuna & pieces" sandwich.
i gotta get to bed.

icy slick

as i walked down my front stairs this morning, i almost fell because they had frozen with ice. i didn't see it... i guess it was "brown ice". (since the stairs are brown). then i got to my car and there was a thick layer of ice on every window. it was thicker than i'd seen in a LONG time. it took vigorous scraping to remove even a small portion - i think that with a lot of pressure and motion, removing about eight square inches took about one or two minutes. i removed a small portion from each side window, from the back window, and a slightly larger area from the front windshield... but still just from one side... i turned the back defroster on, and (is it called the front defroster when you blow warm air on the windshield?)... it was about five minutes before i was able to really see very well but since i was late i had to leave then...
my new commute is shorter than my old one. i hadn't expected there to be that much of a difference but i think it's at least 5 minutes less. plus, i NEVER have a feeling of dread when i'm driving home any more. =)

Happy November!

The weather is getting cooler and the trees are losing their leaves. I look around on these days that are getting shorter and see a lot more red, yellow, and brown as the season changes.

The weather changes a lot, too. There are cold, windy, wet days, and there are sunny but still cold days. I am grateful for the changes, both ways. I like both kinds of days.