me = a woman on a mission

Back story: cake was gotten for the (false! haha!) birthday of a coworker. It's here, but not being consumed this very minute, um omgwtfbbq?!?

Lilie says:
CAKE HELLO WHEN
Jano says:
when the guys get back from lunch....
Jano says:
I KNOW~~~!!!!
Lilie says:
who guys?
Jano says:
NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW
Jano says:
JG & CH
Lilie says:
hehehe
Lilie says:
damnit !
Lilie says:
isn't CH back? or did he JUST leave?
Jano says:
he just got in, and they are going to lunch together....
Jano says:
I know............
Lilie says:
man that sucks
Jano says:
ccaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeee
Lilie says:
hell yes

"Cheney says it's ok to debate Iraq"

This was the headline I saw in my BBC RSS feed this morning.

Gee, thanks Dick. I'm glad that freedom of speech is still allowed. Well, sort of, anyway.

It's been a long week

A coworker told me today that I look tired. Well, I certainly feel tired and a bit worn out, so I can't say that I'm surprised.

I've been feeling very quiet inside recently. I don't feel like I have anything useful or interesting to share with the world and it has contributed to my relative silence here in public. Perhaps I'm also feeling a little bit shy. I definitely feel somewhat daunted by the amazing presences of so many other talented people on blogger. What could I possibly say that would be amusing/intellectual/unique enough that a random passerby would want to stay instead of moving right along? I'm not that funny; I'm sort of out of all of the political stuff; I'm not in the field of education or studying at the moment... I feel sort of dull and bland.

Maybe I'll tell some more stories from my past soon...

"Intentional" use?

A US baseball star who told Congress he had never taken steroids has been banned for 10 days for violating the sport's anti-drug policy.

How, exactly, does a person use steroids unintentionally? An athlete is someone whose body is a tool in his profession. One would assume that as an athlete's pay is linked to his performance, he would be hyper-aware of what substances entered his body. So how would a substance, such as a steroid which typically requires injection, "sneak" into his system without his awareness? How could he "unintentionally" injest steroids?

Amusing email exchange

... between me & my husband today ...

me: so how's your day going besides all that?

him: It's fine, just working on UI, Yay!!!!!11!!!!!!111one!
How is your day?
Love you!

me: Oh boy, UI!!! You've mastered the fake excitement brilliantly ;)
My day is craptastic! I can't wait for it to be over in 45 minutes! If it's over then! At least I finished the disgusting testing documentation task (for today - I may have to do some more tomorrow when [coworker] looks it over and tells me more stuff). In between working on that, I've been answering the phone because [other coworker] is gone. Love those nutcases who call here! And also, I've been talking to this one guy who refuses to talk to me, which is awesome! And fun!
I love you too! What are we going to have for dinner tonight?

him: Me gusta los tacos y las enchiladas!
Los tacos o las enchiladas por favor senorita.

me: No habla Espanol. Did you say you want me to "po(u)r" the tacos or enchiladas like into a drain or something? Turn them into party "favor"s? ARE WE HAVING A PARTY?!?!? Can I go?

him: You're not invited, no. But you have to help cook.

me: I'm so not helping cook if I can't go. So there.

It's been a little while since I read any Ritzer but I was thinking today about how I felt about the interactions I have in my daily life and how that relates to Ritzer's theories of the McDonaldization of society.

For example:

As I walk to work, I pass a patisserie. Two or three mornings per week, I stop and buy a chocolate croissant. I've been doing this for over four months (ever since starting this job). There are always the same two women there in the morning when I stop in, and about 80% of the time, the older woman waits on me. For about the first three months, I found her to be abrupt and possibly grumpy towards me, but I observed her treating other people as "regulars" - remembering their coffee orders, which pastries they liked, etc. At first, I didn't want to be a regular, because I was in a bit of denial about my croissant habit and didn't want to have anyone keeping track of what I was eating. I felt that if she recognized me, it would be because I was eating unhealthfully too often, and I felt a bit guilty about that.

My second stop on the way to work on days that I buy chocolate croissants is at a convenience store. I buy a small container of milk there, because I like milk with my chocolate croissants, and they do not sell milk at the patisserie. In contrast, from about the 4th time (second week) that I stopped there, the man I interacted with to make my purchase would always ask me how I was, what I thought of the weather, and if I had any interesting plans for the weekend. He recognized me, and was making a personal connection.

I see myself as a fairly private person, and also as someone who is generally not good at making small talk (and I also feel I do not have time for it). So, I prefered my non-relationship with the sometimes grumpy woman at patisserie to my "friendly" relationship with the man at the convenience store. I preferred the convenience of simply getting through the transaction quickly without the personal interaction.

About a month ago, the woman at the patisserie finally started to see me as a regular. She told me that she knew she had seen me before but that since I was always wearing a different colored top, she didn't always know who I was. Yesterday, for the very first time, she had a chocolate croissant in a bag for me as I approached. Ah, the benefit of being a regular! She still was somewhat abrupt, so I felt I was getting the best of both worlds: my usual "order" was recalled, but I didn't have to engage in any small talk.

Now, I work in the service industry, and I talk to many different people throughout the day. Sometimes, people make small talk with me as we wait for computers to reboot or servers to catch up. Sometimes, people just wait silently or ask me other technical questions. Once in a great while, someone makes me laugh. The people who make me laugh are the ones who I remember speaking to and appreciate the most. Should I be more witty as a consumer? Would I have a better experience as a customer when the sales people appreciate my sense of humor? Is that just not who I am?

Revived from an older post elsewhere, for your education and entertainment

I apologize for any lack of capital letters; I wasn't interested in being grammatically correct when I first wrote this towards the end of 2003.

I shall rate various menstrual products and my experiences with them!
all products are rated on a scale of 1-10:
* odor: 1 = the stench is so bad that people turn their heads when you walk into the room; 10 = minimal to no odor or it's masked
* messiness (to your crotch area): 1 = you might as well be dripping down your leg; 10 = the menstrual flow exists exclusively on/in the product you're using
* contact (to your hands): 1 = are you using your fingers for tampons?; 10 = you never, ever touch the menstrual flow with your hands
* ease of use: 1 = you need an owner's manual to use the device, and it's 10 pages long; 10 = any teen on her first period could find it alone in the bathroom and use it with no problem
* portability: 1 = bring an extra purse for your replacement product(s); 10 = could fit in your pocket or palm and no one would know
* spillage (potential to cause unintended damage to other clothing): 1 = never use with any clothes you care about, or if you plan on sitting on anything that can stain!; 10 = wear white pants confidently
* comfort: 1 = OUCH this SUCKS get it OUT/OFF of me!; 10 = do i even have my period? i certainly don't FEEL like i'm using any products

EXTERNALLY WORN

pads, thin with wings
odor: with deoderant: 7; without: 4
messiness: 5 varies, depending on the absorbency. different brands/types within brands are more effective. i find the thin ones tend to be slightly more messy
contact: 7 (so rated because of potential contact when removing/changing pads)
ease of use: 9
portability: 7
spillage: 8. less than those without wings.
comfort: 7, because of potential stickiness
overall: 7

pads, thin without wings
odor: with deoderant: 7; without: 4
messiness: 5. varies, depending on the absorbency. different brands/types within brands are more effective. i find the thin ones tend to be slightly more messy
contact: 7 (so rated because of potential contact when removing/changing pads)
ease of use: 10
portability: 7
spillage: 5. more so than those without wings. can easily bunch up and/or move to the side.
comfort: 7, because of potential stickiness
overall: 6

pads, like a diaper (as in, really thick)
odor: with deoderant: 7; without: 5 (slightly better than thinner pads, i think)
messiness: 6. less than thinner pads.
contact: 7 (potential when removing/changing)
ease of use: 10
portability: 5 (bigger, more visible)
spillage: 5. tend not to have wings; more spillage than those with wings. can easily bunch up and/or move to the side.
comfort: 7, because of potential stickiness
overall: 6

reuseable (fabric) pads
odor: 1. unfortunately not very absorbant, so very stinky.
messiness: 1. see odor.
contact: 1. you have to wash them out by hand.
ease of use: 6 (there are instructions about washing)
portability: 1 (carrying dirty ones, or washing in a public sink, are both awful options)
spillage: 7. could move, but unlikely
comfort: 3. i personally don't enjoy the constant wetness since these are not very absorbant.
comments: DON'T WEAR TIGHT PANTS. people will be able to see you are wearing these gigantic things. i like them for the environmentally-friendly factor, but they may be too much trouble.
overall: 2

pantyliners
NOTE: should only be worn alone on very light menstrual days.
odor: deoderant: 7; without: 4
messiness: 7
contact: 7, when removing/replacing
ease of use: 10
portability: 10
spillage: 7. potential is there if you underestimate the power of your period. if you estimate correctly, low (could spill off the sides)
comfort: 7, because of potential stickiness
overall: 7

INTERNALLY WORN

tampons with plastic applicators
odor: deoderant: approaches 10. non-deoderant: usually 8 or 9
messiness: if no leakage, 10. if leakage: 7-9
contact: if no leakage, 9 or 10. if leakage, or if the string breaks, 3(string gone)-9(some leakage cleanup)
ease of use: 6
portability: 8
spillage: potential is there. if you want less or none, use pantyliners as well. 7
comfort: 8 or 9. most people forget they're wearing them. 3 if you have problems inserting.
overall: 8

tampons with cardboard applicators
odor: deoderant: approaches 10. non-deoderant: usually 8 or 9
messiness: if no leakage, 10. if leakage: 7-9
contact: if no leakage, 9 or 10. if leakage, or if the string breaks, 3(string gone)-9(some leakage cleanup)
ease of use: 6
portability: 8
spillage: potential is there. if you want less or none, use pantyliners as well. 7
comfort: 8 or 9. most people forget they're wearing them. 3 if you have problems inserting.
comments: i find plastic applicators to be slightly more comfortable for insertion than most cardboard applicators.
overall: 7.5-8

tampons without applicators
odor: deoderant: approaches 10. non-deoderant: usually 8 or 9
messiness: if no leakage, 10. if leakage: 7-9
contact: 4. you're going to have to get right in there. not for the squeamish.
ease of use: 4
portability: 9
spillage: 7. potential is there. if you want less or none, use pantyliners as well.
comfort: 8 or 9. most people forget they're wearing them. 3 if you have problems inserting.
overall: 7.5-8

sea sponges
odor: 1. nasty. they tend to collect urine if you're not careful, and the smell wasn't great to begin with.
messiness: 5-9 potential of 5-9 depending on leaks. can be bad if they leak.
contact: 1. you have to squeeze out and/or wash every time you urinate.
ease of use: 6 (have to cut up, boil, etc. before/between uses)
portability: 9. but you have to keep reusing the one and you might not like that
spillage: 1. HIGH potential. if you sneeze or cough, you might spill if it's getting close to full.
comfort: 9 or 10. most people forget they're wearing them.
comments: i like them only for their environmental impact. they're too annoying to use very often. avoid!
overall: 1

instead (somewhat like a diaphragm)
odor: 8
messiness: 9, if you get them in right and they don't leak. could leak, it's easy to get them in wrong: 4
contact: 1. you're right in there...
ease of use: 2 or 3. it's hard to figure out at first how to get them in exactly right.
portability: easy. 8
spillage: 3. high potential because it's hard to figure out if they're in right.
comfort: 6. can feel "funny".
comments: once you get used to them, they're pretty good. if you can get it figured out, i recommend them.
overall: 6.5-7

in sync (small cottony thing worn between vaginal lips, not all the way "internal" but not external either)
odor: similar to tampons, but i don't believe there are any options for deoderant-types. 7
messiness: 9
contact: 8. the only contact comes when placing a new one; should be fairly clean at that time.
ease of use: 7 (very easy, but slightly lowered rating because you need a certain familiarity with your body to be able to use effectively)
portability: 10 easy easy easy, they're tiny
spillage: 7. potential is there, especially if you don't urinate often.
comfort: 1 or 8. see comments below about irritation. 1 if irritated; 8 if not.
comments: you never touch them when removing; the act of urinating pushes them off. they're pretty easy to use, but you may go through a lot of them. they can irritate the opening of the urethra as you're getting used to wearing them, and this may be annoying enough to stop using them.
overall: 6

the keeper (rubber cup)
odor: 10
messiness: 7-10. as long as used correctly, 10. when getting used to, spillage is possible. 7
contact: 1. you have to get right in there, and dump/rinse it out.
ease of use: 3, so rated for the learning curve with correct placement and insertion
portability: 10 - you only have the one
spillage: 7. potential is there...
comfort: 4-8 once you get used to it and forget it's there, 8. if problems: 4.
comments: very environmentally friendly, fairly easy to use once you get it down. you may notice/feel this for a while, but once you get it down, you shouldn't feel it any longer.
overall: 7

A little bit of comfort

When I first started spending the night at Mystery's house, I was revelling in the relative newness of our relationship and it felt good to me to have little reminders that this guy was interested in me as much as I was in him. So, sometimes, I would wear his deoderant the next day, not only because I'd forgotten mine at home, but because the next day as I went about my business, if I moved a certain way and the scent of deoderant wafted up to my nostrils, I'd be reminded of him and it would make me smile. Also, sometimes, I'd "forget" to bring a change of clothes and ask to borrow a teeshirt or a pair of jeans, and wearing it would remind me of him the next day too, and make me happy.

I didn't see him every day during this period of time; we'd often spend just a few nights per week together as we both had busy schedules and lived just far enough away from each other to make it a little bit annoying to go back and forth between each others' apartments, so in between seeing him, I loved wearing that teeshirt that I stole or seeing it in my room. It was a little tangible reminder of him, of our relationship.

Once we started living together and I was seeing him all the time, I didn't "need" to have these little reminders any more... I already had Mystery's dirty clothes all over the floor on his side of the bed (he's not the tidiest of guys). Now, I have a permanent reminder of our relationship on my finger (in the form of my wedding and engagement rings).

Yesterday, I remembered how I often felt comforted and happy when I wore his clothes and I wanted that comfort again, so I asked him if I could wear his sweatshirt today. This morning, he remembered and he got it out of his pile and handed it to me as I was about to leave.

It's a little too big, but it smells like him and it reminds me of his love for me. That little extra happiness is just what I needed today.

Why do I care?

A female coworker of mine, P., has been getting coffee every morning from the shop on the corner ever since she started working here seven months ago. As people who frequent the same business tend to do, she has become acquainted with a few of the people who work there. She's a regular, and one guy in particular, J., who usually helps her, knows what she likes to drink. All she needs to do is go in, and J. sees her, knows what she'd like, confirms that she wants it, and he makes the drink for her. Often, when things aren't too rushed for either one of them, they will talk a little bit too: "How was your weekend?", "Have any big plans for this weekend?", "How's work going?", etc.

Within the past few weeks, J. has expressed an interest in P. She's uncomfortable with his interest, and has mentioned that she has a boyfriend to him. Still, he's becoming a bit more pushy and has started trying to suggest that they meet outside of the coffee shop sometime.

Last week, he wrote his name and phone number on the lid to her coffee before giving it to her, and winked at her, asking her to call him to arrange a time to go out. She was horrified and swore she would never go back to the coffee shop. Even though she enjoys the coffee, she's so upset by his pushiness that she doesn't feel comfortable returning to get her coffee there if he might be there. She has told him enough times that she has a boyfriend that it's overly aggressive of him to continue pushing her to see him.

I can't tell what I'm more upset about: his not respecting her boundaries, or her inability to get coffee if he's working there. I want to tell her to just go in there and tell him he's being a big jerk, because he deserves to have that feedback. I want to go in there myself and tell him to leave her alone, but it's not my place to do that and I don't want to reinforce her feelings of disempowerment. In fact, I have advised her to go in there and tell him to leave her alone, but she doesn't want to; she cites her shyness and unwillingness to engage in confrontation.

I support her right not to want to confront the guy, but it bothers me a lot that she is not going to do something she enjoys because she doesn't want to deal with an annoying person. It also bothers me that he's not going to learn that his behavior has caused her annoyance and discomfort.

The entire situation bothers me a lot more than it should, and I realize that I have more of a problem with it than even she does. So clearly, I have an internal trigger that this is nudging, causing me to become disproportionally upset. What that trigger is and why I have it: that's what I really need to figure out.

"emotional work"

Amanda Marcotte at Pandagon recently wrote about "Doofus men and their saintly, ever-responsible but never fun wives." The post mostly focuses on gendered division of work in the household, and brings up the idea of emotional work as an example of a traditional type of "women's work," which is often undervalued and unrecognized.

The comments contain a hot debate of the existence of "emotional work," with points of view ranging from "I do that, but I don't think of it as 'work,'" to "my relationship is perfect and does not require any type of emotional maintenance," to "I do that, and it's definitely work." The latter point of view has been slammed by some commentors who pass judgment on the relationships in which "emotional work" is seen as "work," which must by definition mean "unpleasant," and suggest that the "workers" are in the wrong relationship if it feels so unpleasant.

Clearly, different people have different associations with the word "work," and just because some are hesitant to use that word in the context of a romantic relationship does not mean that the relationship figures out its own wrinkles; clearly the people in the relationship must engage in some sort of negotiation process when their desires and needs come into conflict with each others' or with the realities of what is possible in this world. Compromise and/or discussion and negotiation is necessary in any relationship that is not a dictatorship, and reaching this compromise, and the process of discussion and negotiation, is called "emotional work," whether a person believes it actually involves labor or unpleasantness or not.

Now that we're clear about what emotional work is, let me just say that I'm tired of shouldering this burden in my relationship. I'm unclear as to whether I was assigned the duty or just grabbed it myself because it wouldn't get done if I didn't do it and it needed doing, but either way, I don't want the primary responsibility for it. I want to share the duty with my partner, whom I love and respect and who should want to be a part of this process. If we have a fight, he should approach me first to make things better sometimes, instead of my feeling that "oh my god, if we're ever going to speak again, I've got to make things right." If he feels that we have conflicting desires, he should ask me how we can resolve them instead of capitulating to what I want and sulking or taking his way and feeling guilty. If we are resolving differences after a fight, he should imagine ways in which we can avoid the situation that caused the fight instead of expecting me to come up with these types of solutions all the time.

And yet, as I type this, I realize that I've been trying to teach him these skills for the past four years that we've been together, and that he's learning. This post would have made much more sense had I made it three years ago, two years ago, even a year ago, than it does now. I do have a partner who is trying to have a relationship of equals with me. He wants to try to fix things when we need fixing, he cares about us and our future and is invested in making things right. He's not perfect, and neither am I, but we're both working towards making a good relationship. The shared balance is not 50/50, but it's a lot closer to that than it is to being highly skewed towards me doing all the work. I'm lucky.